My camera is MIA again so in the mean time I wanted to ask all you Wise Women what you think about validating your childrens' feelings. I was recently at a conference and there was a focus on this topic and I never really thought about it but now I'm intrigued.
I grew up in a home where I was told if someone offended me, GET OVER IT. If I'm just having a bad day, GET OVER IT. If my sister made me mad and called me a fat piece of crap, GET OVER IT. Basically I wasn't allowed to have a bad day and if I did I was supposed to keep it to myself and fake everyone out that it was the best day ever!!
Do I feel like this made me a recluse, confused, unable to own my feelings and control them?
Quite the opposite.
I am actually very grateful that my parents took this approach with me. I feel like I don't waste a lot of time trying to decide if so or so meant offense and how I am going to deal with that. I just GET OVER IT. There's a lot more time to be happy when you aren't worrying about being worried.
And lets be honest, who enjoys being with someone who is constantly down or saying negative things about themselves or others and how someone offended them (again!!)? I sure don't. It makes me want to say just GET OVER IT!! So what if that person said/did/meant that?? Are you really going to let it ruin your day when chances are they didn't even mean it that way? I guess some people just need the drama...
So you can imagine my surprise when I was told that I need to sit my child down every time he throws a tantrum or says he's mad about something or at someone or someone hurt his feelings and talk out his feelings with him. Doesn't the regular practice of exploring one's feelings make one an emotional hypochondriac?? Isn't it so much easier and, well, happier, just being happy? I get that its not easy just getting over every negative thing in your life, and sometime its not even possible without professional help, but in the little day to day crisis' isn't it just better to try to GET OVER IT?
Unfortunately, the just GET OVER IT method isn't working so hot with my almost-3-year-old. So I'm thinking maybe the feelings validating method might be the answer.
Here are some pros of validating I see:
So, if I haven't totally confused and offended you yet, I want to know what YOU think about all this. Do you think its better to validate your children's feelings or just GET OVER IT? And why? Are there certain circumstances that would call for one or the other? How were you raised and what has worked in your own homes with your children?? Feel free to throw out suggestions, stories, theories, threats for offending you (at me only please), opinions...I look forward to hearing your thoughts!
I grew up in a home where I was told if someone offended me, GET OVER IT. If I'm just having a bad day, GET OVER IT. If my sister made me mad and called me a fat piece of crap, GET OVER IT. Basically I wasn't allowed to have a bad day and if I did I was supposed to keep it to myself and fake everyone out that it was the best day ever!!
Do I feel like this made me a recluse, confused, unable to own my feelings and control them?
Quite the opposite.
I am actually very grateful that my parents took this approach with me. I feel like I don't waste a lot of time trying to decide if so or so meant offense and how I am going to deal with that. I just GET OVER IT. There's a lot more time to be happy when you aren't worrying about being worried.
And lets be honest, who enjoys being with someone who is constantly down or saying negative things about themselves or others and how someone offended them (again!!)? I sure don't. It makes me want to say just GET OVER IT!! So what if that person said/did/meant that?? Are you really going to let it ruin your day when chances are they didn't even mean it that way? I guess some people just need the drama...
So you can imagine my surprise when I was told that I need to sit my child down every time he throws a tantrum or says he's mad about something or at someone or someone hurt his feelings and talk out his feelings with him. Doesn't the regular practice of exploring one's feelings make one an emotional hypochondriac?? Isn't it so much easier and, well, happier, just being happy? I get that its not easy just getting over every negative thing in your life, and sometime its not even possible without professional help, but in the little day to day crisis' isn't it just better to try to GET OVER IT?
Unfortunately, the just GET OVER IT method isn't working so hot with my almost-3-year-old. So I'm thinking maybe the feelings validating method might be the answer.
Here are some pros of validating I see:
- it helps children and parents understand the real emotion and issue.
- the child is more honest and open.
- they take responsibility for their emotions so they can fix it.
So, if I haven't totally confused and offended you yet, I want to know what YOU think about all this. Do you think its better to validate your children's feelings or just GET OVER IT? And why? Are there certain circumstances that would call for one or the other? How were you raised and what has worked in your own homes with your children?? Feel free to throw out suggestions, stories, theories, threats for offending you (at me only please), opinions...I look forward to hearing your thoughts!
8 comments:
I can totally relate to you on this post. I think there has to be a good middle point in this...it's good to acknowledge one's feelings, but not so good to dwell on them all day. If Payton is throwing a tantrum, I normally try to talk to her and figure out why. I don't baby her over it, but I don't completely ignore it either. I have someone close in my life who tends to constantly question the meaning behind peoples actions or comments toward them and it drives me crazy sometimes. I tend to be more like you and say oh well over most stuff and don't let it bother me all day or ruin my life. I think it's important to raise your children to care more about what Heavenly Father thinks than others...to not always assume people are trying to hurt them with their words or actions. I don't know if I'm making sense here, but I hope to teach my kids to "get over it" without actually saying that. Hopefully I will learn more with time how to deal with it as it comes, telling a 3 year old to get over something is definitely different than telling a 13 or 16 year old to. At 3, they are still learning to cope with their feelings and tantrums are just a natural thing for the most part. I'm just rambling now :) Like I said, I think teach them young to "get over it" without actually telling them to "get over it"...that can be harsh for a 3 year old :)
Well, I guess I can absolutely not relate to this post because I am only 12 and DEFFINATELY not a mother...but I babysit a lot and I can sure tell you that I want to just say "GET OVER IT!!" but I guess it helps a lot if you go over their feelings and find the relation to your life and tell it to them. Then, I pretty much tell them to get over it. (I guess in other words) =)
P.S. How is Caleb?
Well sweet Mama there is no simple answer for this one. Personally open communication with your hubby is paramount.
Sometimes I use my old mission rule if something my comp had done to hurt my feeling or etc…if letting it go will not hinder her or my eternal progression then yes its best that I just get over it. If your hubby is like mine he doesn’t tell me if I’m doing something that bugs him for years then to clear the air is up to me. I think that is what pillow talk is for just get it out and sometimes how they choose to apologize or not is really there choice then it’s up to us to either seek for understanding or get over it!
As for the young ones I recently saw a friend’s post that mentioned how we should not dismiss the fact that our kids might see or be afraid of monsters. We should not necessary validate that they are real but we as the parents shouldn’t have our kids feel that we are dismissing how they feel. Just this morning Daniel said he was scared and saw a lot of monsters in our house I 1st said there is no such things as monsters but that if he sees them I’m going to ask them to leave and Monsters always listen to Mama. I made some loud noises and said rather loudly Monsters please leave our house. After that no Monsters.
But on some respects we do have the get over it motto too. Especially with Daniel and getting hurt we taught him to say ta-dah when he fell down and now oowies are no big deal. My hubby taught me that if I react to him getting hurt so will he. Mind you if there is blood we address and take care of it. Other than that it’s a standard get over it kind of attitude. But from day to day you may take a get over it attitude for an incident but the next you might take a let’s talk about this. And that is ok I have found that parenting has no set rules and you just roll with it until you get them on Missions or Married then the job still isn’t done but at least you’re not in the driver’s/passenger seat you probable in the back seat and unless you really mess up you will never end up in the truck. And for sure from what I see of you as a Mom you will never be under that car either
Good thoughts and question. My opinion is right in the middle. I think it's important to validate peoples' feelings so they know, understand and learn that we CARE about them and that how/what they feel is very important to us. At the same time, I think it's important for us to teach them (esp if we're the parent :) and for them/us to understand that even though we may FEEL certain things and certain ways, that doesn't necessarily mean there is a good reason or foundation to feel that way ("possible" offense, etc.) and that no matter what happens or how we feel...our lives and our happiness depend on US personally. It doesn't matter if "that person" came and apologized to the umpteenth degree if WE don't "get over it" and move one..nothing they do will make it right. I don't know if I am making sense..haha. I think it's important for people, especially our children/spouse, to know how much we love them and care about them and how they feel but at the same time, kinda like you said..just cuz we feel a certain way doesn't mean we need to let it ruin our days, weeks, etc. We need to learn how to get over it and enjoy life. When Dallin falls down and it's not fatal, we say "uh oh!" or "oops!" etc.(..or don't even acknowledge it) and we don't make it a big deal. If it's somewhat of a bad fall but still not fatal, we ask Dallin if we can kiss it better and then afterwards say "All better!" Good luck!
Ok so I think the "get over it" mentality is totally a way to validate your child's feelings... I think its saying that I understand you feel a certain way now let's learn to over come it to be better by "getting over it"!!! I think too many times parents want to help validate thier child's feelings by letting the child think that it is ok to feel certain ways... when alot of the times its not ok to feel a certain way.. I totally just think its important to help the child learn to get over it.. I think we cant just expect them to get over it when we tell them to. Its something that needs to be taught!
I think that when they are children they need to recognize what they are feeling (anger, frustration, jealousy, etc.) and how to respond to it, even if that means the response is "get over it." I grew up in a house where I did not feel safe discussing emotions because I was the "good" child. That caused problems for me when it came to relationships, but in dealing with everyday people and situations, I'm of the get over it mindset too.
There is a great book--"I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better" I wish I had used the principals taught in this book more when I was a mother of younger kids, but it also works for older kids, spouses, friends, etc. You can find it at Deseret Book.
Oops. That's "principles" ---not "principals."
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